I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
