I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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