This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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