Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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