peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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