Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
