Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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