she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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