And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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