everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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