I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
