Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.