I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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