I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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