i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
