Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
