i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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