she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
