Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
