hotel room ftw
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
