I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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