I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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