I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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