We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
