For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
