just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
