Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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