I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it's like iHOP with fire
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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