When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
