btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
