my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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