You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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