I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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