I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
