Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
