other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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