there's paper in my vomit.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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