You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
