HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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