i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
