You're my little dorito
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
