I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
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Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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