We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
