Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
