There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
