I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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