When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's never too late to be topless.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
