i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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