You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
