I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
