I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
