need another drink. this is the easiest way
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
