i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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