i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
barbara walters just said penis...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
