Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
