I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
love makes seman taste better
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
