My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
