Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
