i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
