I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
