how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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