god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
