Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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